ARE YOU WHITE TRASH?

 

You might be if...

 

* You ever cut your grass and found a car.

* You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

* You think the stock market has a fence around it.

* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

* You own four cars and no hubcaps.

* Your idea of a great Christmas present is a gift certificate to the

local bail bondsman

* Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

* Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

* You burn your yard rather than mow it.

* Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

* You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my

ship came in."

* You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

* You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

* Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the

Governor to spare a loved one.

* Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of

her language.

* Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at

home with the kids."

* Birds are attracted to your beard.

* Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

* You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

* You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

* You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.

* You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

* You clean your fingernails with a stick.

* Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

* You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

* You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

* Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

* Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

* You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

* There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

* The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

* There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

* The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

* You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

* Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

* The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

* You've ever bought a used cap.

* Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

* You pick your teeth from a catalog.

* You've ever financed a tatoo.

* You've ever stolen toilet paper.

* People hear your car a long time before they see it.

* The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

* You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

* You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

* You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

* You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

* You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

* You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

* MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

* You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

* You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

* Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling

the state trooper to kiss her ass.

* Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

* You own a denim leisure suit.

* Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

* Your family tree does not fork.

* You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk

jug in the car.

* You have a rag for a gas cap.

* The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

* You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

* You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge

clearance restrictions.

* You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that

begins, "For a good time call...."

* You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

* Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

* You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.

* After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

* All of your four letter words are two syllables.

* You've ever been too drunk to fish.

* You cut your toenails in front of company.

* You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

* Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

* You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

* You can spit without opening your mouth.

* You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

* You call your boss "dude".

* You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

* You have grease under your toenails.

* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

* You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

* You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

* You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.