WONKO LOVES YOU!
Wonko the Magic Elf, lord and creator of the universe loves you.
Yes, even you, you pathetic boob. Wonko loves everyone. Wonko
loves you so much he wants to make you an offer you can't refuse.
Wonko says "BELIEVE IN ME OR I WILL TORTURE YOU FOREVER".
There, you heard it. Isn't that a wonderful offer? I am here to
preach the GOOD NEWS of the death and resurrection of Wonko.
You have been made the offer of a lifetime. If you refuse, Wonko
will send you to WONKO'S POOL HALL when you die. You scoff, you
miserable unbeliever, but it is true. How do I know it is the
TRUTH? Because Wonko says it is!
Verse 1567, line 42 of the Revealed Holy Wisdom of
Wonko: "YOU CAN BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH".
See, Wonko would never lie to you. You have no excuses anymore.
Accept Wonko right here and now as your personal savior and lord,
OR BURN FOREVER IN WONKO'S POOL HALL!!
And, Wonko's Pool Hall is no ordinary pool hall. Nosirree Bob! Not
a chance. Wonko promises you this: The flames are ten times hotter
than hell. The demons are ten times nastier, and THE ETERNITY IS
TEN TIMES LONGER!
Wonko will never let you go. Wonko loves you, but he is a deranged
sadist who will torture you ten times worse than any dead Jew on a
stick could even dream of in his worst nightmares if you refuse him.
Lord Wonko wants to make a bet with you. A kind of wager. Dare you refuse?
You can go on believing in your imaginary, impotent, powerless
dead Jew, or you can accept Wonko. Wonko could never be crucified.
He's too damn MEAN AND ORNERY TO EVEN LET YOU TRY! Wonko would
have rammed that cross up Pilate's ass the microsecond he started
waving it around. Put that in your empty sepulcher and smoke it, Christ boy!
Just think, is it too much to ask to BELIEVE? And look at the
consequences if you are wrong. INFINITE TORTURE FOR TEN ETERNITIES
IN A PIT OF FIRE SO AWFUL EVEN DANTE COULDN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE IT!
How dare you refuse?
Are you man enough to accept the loving kindness of the living
Wonko into your heart? Or will you walk away into the dark night
of the absence of Wonko? It is UP TO YOU. Wonko has given you free
will just so you have no excuse for refusing him, in the full
knowledge of what a pitiful slave and puppet you really are.
Remember, this is no ordinary Wonko. I am here to tell you this is
THE NECESSARY WONKO! The one and only infinite being who set the
universe in motion.
Wonko also performs BETTER MIRACLES THAN JESUS. Wonko laughs at
wine. Wonko can turn water into SINGLE MALT SCOTCH. Wonko doesn't
just walk on water. WONKO JOGS OVER THE ENTIRE PACIFIC OCEAN EVERY
SINGLE DAY. Wonko didn't rise from the dead once. WONKO RISES FROM
THE DEAD EVERY SINGLE MORNING, with a skull splitting hangover
that makes Hiroshima look like a wet fire cracker, so you better
just watch your ass around Wonko. Can Jesus do that? Wonko picks Jesus out of his nose.
Beware of false Wonkos. There is only one true dead and
resurrected living Wonko the son of Wonko. In the name of Wonko
the Father, Wonko the Son and Wonko the Holy Ghost. Amen.
Wonko bless you. Kyrie Eleiawonko.
I beg you to think. Any day, even today, you could be walking
along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, a
careening out of control, giant 18 wheel semi, with a passed out
alcoholic driver could come screaming out of nowhere and leave you
lying in the road with your guts spread all over to hell and gone,
without even a chance to beg Wonko for forgiveness. And BOOM,
there you are, right in the middle of Wonko's pool hall, being
doused with KC masterpiece barbecue sauce by Wonko's giggling,
sadistic minions and roasted over a fire that makes the heart of a
main sequence blue-white giant feel like a cool breeze.
Take the Wonko pledge today. Tomorrow may be too late.
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I am a miserable pathetic lousy little boob of a sinner.
I am completely incapable of taking responsibility for
my own life. I have no hope, no future and no brain. I
pledge to let Wonko be my lord and master forever and
ever.
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(sign here if you know how to write)