We
first encountered the razor wit of Mary Fortuna when someone reposted
the following bits on our favorite discussion list*.
We begged for permission to publish her work, and she graciously consented.
With a little more groveling, she agreed to write more stuff for us.
Watch out.
Mary
Fortuna
on The
Elian Issue
I think
there has to be a way to make something good out of this whole mess
with the little Cuban kid they keep fighting over.
Maybe we
could market a set of Elian Gonzales Action Figures. There's Elian,
the Cute Little Motherless Cuban Boy, comes with his own inner tube
and life jacket. There's Elian's Mom. Not much action there, sorry.
She floats good, though. There's the group of Anti Castro Cuban American
figures - we can just borrow those from the JFK Assasination Play Set,
give them new clothes and protest signs. There's the Elian's Dad figure,
he's actually a puppet, whose strings are pulled by the Fidel Castro
Action Figure, with Exploding Cigar. There's the Troop of Lawyers, with
the Billable Hours accessory and the cutest little cell phones - that
actually work.
There's
the Janet Reno and INS Agent set - they're not really action figures,
since they appear to be incapable of taking any meaningful action on
anybody's behalf. And there's the Algore Action Figure with Backpedal
Action!! Push the button in his back, he spins 180 degrees and back
again, depending on who's asking the questions. He, of course, is made
entirely of wood.
A
Letter From Elian
Dear Uncle
Lizardo Gonzaga,
Uncle,
please don't let them take me back to Cuba. I like it here with you
and all my new aunties and uncles, because you give me all the ice cream
I can eat, and I get to play Nintendo all day, and one day I might even
grow up to be a Baseball Player or The President or maybe even the Attorney
General like that big lady with the ugly shoes. I bet she makes a lot
of money, and gets to blow things up when she gets mad.
And one
day, if you let me go to a real school with the other boys and girls,
once we no longer have to worry about that filthy devil Mister Castro
trying to grab me and take me back to Havana, you can buy me my own
kevlar vest, and an AK-47, and maybe a couple of hand grenades or some
plastique, just in case the other kids don't like me because I talk
funny, or my father is a stinking rotten commie sonofabitch being played
like a fiddle by that rat bastard Castro, or they're just sick of seeing
my angelic face on television night after night after night. Either
way, I figure I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
Thank
you, Uncle. I know you have my best interests at heart, and would never
dream of doing anything to harm me or bruise my fragile psyche. But
do I really have to go back to Sister O'Laughlin's house? She smells
funny.
Bye bye,
Your Adorable
Nephew,
Little
Elian
*
No, we're not going to tell you what it is because everyone will want
to sign up and, as we all know only too well, Good Things get screwed
up when too many people want to join in. After all, just look at the
Internet...
For
more on Little Elian, see Will Pitt's latest news
item.
