Annoying
Cuban Brat To Be Returned To Cuba
On Same Innertube That Brought Him Here
"I
hope those dolphins are still around," says frothing A.G. Reno
AccuNews
Wire Report
April 13, 2000
By William Rivers Pitt
AccuNews
is reporting that our long national nightmare will be over by sundown
tonight. Attorney General Janet Reno, acting while in a fit of hubris,
has ordered Cuban refugee Elain Gonzalez to be stuffed into the same
innertube he arrived in and cast back into the sea from whence he came.
Said Reno,
"If any of his whiny family members have a problem with that, I'm sure
we can make room in the innertube for them, too."
Reno's
remarks came after 953 consecutive days of media coverage of this little
Cuban boy, whose dramatic arrival to the shores of freedom prompted
the longest sustained orgy of self-serving political backbiting and
posturing since the Rosenberg treason trial almost 50 years ago. Reno
cited multiple Gallup polls when announcing her decision, stating that
the polls clearly show that, except for 37 angry Cuban refugee activists
in Miami, the remaining 297,651,883 American citizens want cute little
Elian either sent back with his father or stuffed in a bag and mailed
to Madagascar.
Upon this
announcement, several anti-Elian protesters began chanting, "Bag! Bag!
Bag!" from the rear of the conference room. They were quickly removed
by Federal Marshals.
Once the
distrubance was quelled, Reno continued with her comments, claiming
that she was "so f*cking sick of this bulls*it", that all of her valuable
time has been spent in the last several weeks dealing with a bunch of
"whiny anti-Castro lunatics" who appear to have "no respect for the
American rule of law."
"It f*cking
blows my mind," said Reno, "that these people, who fled Cuba because
they love our laws so much, are now flauting those same laws just because
they don't like them. Get over yourselves!"
The laws
Ms. Reno referred to are based upon immigration agreements made between
the U.S. government and Castro, whereby any refugee plucked from the
sea is to be returned to Cuba. Any refugee who makes it to shore may
stay.
"The little
bastard didn't swim hard enough," said Reno. "We'll see how well he
swims going home. I hope those dolphins are still around to help him."
In closing,
Ms. Reno pulled a Louisville Slugger baseball bat with 25 long nails
pounded through the head from behind her podium, brandished it over
her head and let out a blood-curdling war whoop.
"Eeeeeeeehaaaaahhhaaaaiiieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieiei",
said the Attorney General. "Tell that little bratling Janet's coming
for him!!!" The press conference ended after Ms. Reno sprinted from
the room, bat held high, to attend a closed-door meeting with the Gonzalez
relatives in Miami. Details of the meeting will be forthcoming.
For
more on the saga of Little Elian, see Mary Fortuna's
commentary.
