PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION 2000 - OFFICIAL CANDIDATES

"You could do a lot worse than Watkins."

Jim Watkins is a very smart, very witty writer who's running for President on the Tupperware Party ticket ("fresh ideas for preserving traditional values") and who plans to appoint Martha Stewart to the position of Secretary of the Interior.

Watkins may be pulling our collective legs with his presidential campaign, but his platform has better planks than the current lot of major contenders:

Education reform:
I will work to eliminate the letter "C" which "merely impersonates the letters 'K' and 'S'--and sometimes 'CH' as in 'cappuccino.' This corrupt consonant could be completely eliminated with a 3.8 percent savings in the alphabet and forever resolve the confusion about 'I before E except after C.

Gun control:
Guns don't kill people. People don't kill people. Bullets kill people! So, members of the National Rifle Association should have the right to stock their closets with enough assault weapons to wage war against North Korea. But, the gun control legislators should also have the power to limit the supply of ammo to, say, ten bullets per law-abiding, mentally competent adult.

Legislative reform:
In New Jersey, where politicians obviously have way too much time on their hands, it's illegal to slurp soup, make dogs cry, raise chickens in bottles, or allow dogs to bark, chickens to crow and ducks to quack between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m." To stem the tide of more loony legislation, I will propose that for every new law enacted, Congress must eliminate two old laws.

Visit Jim's campaign site and you'll see why he's one of our favorite candidates. If we weren't so fanatically non-partisan, we'd endorse him in a heartbeat.