Speaker
of the House Newt Gingrich has yet to recover from his sudden
ascendency; that much is evident by the fact that every time Newty
opens his mouth, some rank foolishness leaps out and sticks itself
to the nearest tape recorder.
He doesn't even have to be talking about politics (although, admittedly,
it helps). Recently, while lecturing to the class he teaches at
Reinhardt College in Georgia, My Favorite Amphibian happened to
opine about the differences between the sexes in combat situations.
Gingrich
suggested that women wouldn't do so well in a trench warfare situation,
since they get biological infections and lack upper body strength.
But it's just just fine for guys, who are "basically little piglets;
you drop them in the ditch, and they roll around in it." However,
women would do just fine sitting around and controlling rockets
with computers. They'd probably be even better than guys, who
get restless sitting around because "males are biologically driven
to go out and hunt giraffes."
Gingrich's suggestion happens to be wrong: In my own little tribe,
I'm the one who dorks around for hours, motionless in front of
the computer, while my financee Krissy spent the weekend indulging
in an orgy of small arms fire, blasting disturbing patterns into
paper targets. When the revolution comes, she'll do the shooting,
thanks.
Still,
the image of me and the rest of boys rootin' in a ditch like hawgs
is amusing enough, and considering the stretch of the woods the
Newtmeister represents, not entirely out of his idiom to suggest.
But I have to admit I was frankly flummoxed by the concept of
hunting a giraffe. I simply have never had the urge to do so.
Why
on earth would someone ever want to hunt a giraffe? The world's
most gentle ungulate, giraffes don't even have vocal cords; they
couldn't squeak out even a mild protest as you dragged them down.
Where's the fun in that? Besides, they're all neck. Maybe you
could make soup out of that, but that's about it. The only thing
I've ever wanted to do to a giraffe is to stick a wire running
from my TV to the top of one's head. Those little knobs would
bring in great reception.
But
I wanted to give Newt the benefit of the doubt; maybe (ha!) he
knows something I don't. So I corralled the first 50 guys I found
and give them the following poll: 15 questions concerning giraffes,
piglets and Newts. The results speak for themselves. Since it
wasn't exactly a blind poll, I wouldn't suggest that the results
have any scientific veracity. The most I'll say for it is it is
at least as truthful as the opinions that inspired it in the first
place. If the Newt Boy can get away with it, well, so can I.
1.
Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
Yes:
0%
No: 100%
2.
Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes:4%
No: 96%
3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
Yes:
8%
No: 92%
4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
Yes:
20%
No: 80%
5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the
following would you choose?
a)
Zebra: 2%
b) Rhino: 6%
c) Meerkat: 12%
d) Boar: 42%
e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
Yes:
38%
No: 62%
7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather
to set up giraffe ranches?
Yes: 92%
No: 8%
8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever
get the urge to stick him with a spear?
Yes:
40%
No: 60%
9.
Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt
a giraffe?
Yes: 74%
No: 26%
10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools,
or simply his own mouth?
Tools:
48%
Mouth: 52%
11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like
a little piglet?
Hunt:
30%
Wallow: 70%
12.
Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
Yes:
22%
No: 78%
13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
Yes:
54%
No: 46%
14.
If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
Yes:
58%
No: 42%
15.
Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
Yes:
18%
No: 82%
By the way, most respondents suggested that Newt might "taste
like pork." Little piglet, indeed.
