The
Marx Brothers Run for President
Sebastian Banker
Chico:
Wazzat? You a-calling to retract your confession?
Groucho:
Concession
Chico:
Too much pennance? Hokay, I make-a you deal: I take it down to *four*
"hail mary"s and *six* "our father"s. I promise-you not-a find a better
deal anywhere.
Groucho:
Con*ce*ssion. I'm still running for president.
Chico:
Let me get-a this straight. You not-a-gonna say no hail marys.
Groucho:
No.
Chico:
You not-a-gonna say no our fathers.
Groucho:
No.
Chico:
*And* you still wanna be president of the Electrician's College.
Groucho:
Something like that.
Chico:
Can you *do* that?
Groucho:
Of course I can.
Groucho:
[aside] I can do that, can't I?
Warren
Christopher: I think so.
Groucho:
[more confidently] Of course I can.
Chico:
[aside] Can he do that?
Zeppo:
I don't think so.
Chico:
[very confidently] Jebbo says you can't-a-do that.
Groucho:
[with vast patience] Let me explain something to you. Your younger brother
has no controlling leg-- I mean, your younger brother is not the boss
of me.
Chico:
So you not-a-gonna confess.
Groucho:
Concede.
Chico:
Yeah, dat. Hokay, I make-a you deal: you confess, I get to be president
of the Electrical Cabbage. [silence]
Groucho:That's
the deal? What's in it for me?
Chico:
You don't got to say no-a hail marys.
Groucho:
No, I don't like that deal. How about this: We split Florida fifty-fifty.
Chico:
Even-steven?
Groucho:
Even-steven.
Chico:
Fifty-fifty?
Groucho:
Fifty-fifty.
Chico:
Do I get-a Ft. Lauderdale?
Groucho:
No, but you get Disneyland.
Chico:
Well dat-a sounds pretty...Wait-a second. Who gets the expectoral cauliflower?
Groucho:
Well... I do. But I'll throw in New Hampshire, and a duck!
Chico:
At's a no good. It's from-a da wrong picture.
Groucho:
I hope you know, sir, this means war! You leave me no outlet but to
sue for a deadline extension, sue for the butterfly ballot, and sue
for voter discrimination. And *that's* a three-pronged outlet! Stick
your tongue on that, and you'll get an electoral discharge. The columnists
said there was a negative current in our campaign, and how right they
were. I demand...[dramatic pause] a hand recount!
Chico:
Why, you missing one? Have you checked-a your pockets? That's-a where
mine always are.
Groucho:
Well, you can keep your hands *out* of my pockets from now on. Look,
I want to have the votes recounted by hand, because there were so many
hanging chads. You know what a hanging chad is?
Chico:
Sho'! My uncle--"Hanging" Chad Bush--he was a judge back in Texas.
Groucho:
He was?
Chico:
Yeah, he was a famous one. He taught me everything about justice. Of
course, my Aunt Trudy always said he got the nickname because he had
such a--
Groucho:As
fascinated as I am by your family history, it's your own electile dysfunction
we're trying to talk about here. A manual recount is the only way we're
gonna find out who the winner is here. I'm gonna sue for the right to
have one.
Chico:
At's a-no fair! Machines a-got rights too, you know. You wanna put 'em
all out of work? I'm a-gonna sue to stop you from suing!
Groucho:
Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, eh? Well, then I'll sue to block the
injunction to ban the suit to have a hand recount!
Chico:
Oh, a tough-a-guy, eh? Well, I'm a-gonna sue to t'row out da suit to
block da suit to prevent da suit to invalidate the suit to prevent da
recount. Whaddaya t'ink of that, anh?
Groucho:
Sounds fair.
Chico:
It does?! [to himself] t'row out...to block...to prevent... [Aloud,
again] Oh, you tink-a-you so smart, but you're just a big...big...big...[with
fury]partisan!
Groucho:
Well, you don't have to get snippy.
Copyright©2000
Sebastian Banker
