The Bill of No Rights is sometimes erroneously credited to State Representative Mitchell Kaye of Cobb County, Georgia, but it was actually written in 1993 by Lewis Napper, a self-described "amateur philosopher and professional geek" from Mississippi. His own site is called The Binary Bunker, where you'll find more of "The Rantings and Ravings of a Slightly Paranoid, Militant Libertarian". He writes funny stuff that makes you think. Don't miss it.

Louis also writes a column for DarkHorse2000.

To learn more about the story of Lewis Napper and the Bill of No Rights, check out Daniel Glover's article on the Intellectual Capitol website.

THE BILL OF NO RIGHTS

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblence of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote posititive behavior and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal commie pinko bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights, and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I

You do not have the right to a new car, a big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteing anything.

ARTICLE II

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, and do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

ARTICLE VII

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

©1993 Louis Napper